City of Gems

movin' on up?

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 21:13:18 GMT

Dear livejournal friends,
if you're looking for my blog, I have moved to MySpace. You do not need to be a member to read it.

www.myspace.com/cityofgems.

Namaste,
Andrea

What I need to stay balanced

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 20:19:43 GMT

I've always rebelled against having a routine for living, but lately I'm feeling humble enough to admit what I need.

Food (enough, the right kind)

Family (ground me, loyalty)

Spirituality/meditation (lift me up and set me down)

Friends (learning in the social web)

Work (my contribution to life)

Music (riding waves of creative energy)

What do you need to keep going, stay balanced, be happy?

a story of spiritual development

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:03:04 GMT

I have studied yoga since 2003, and became a yoga instructor in 2005. Yoga provided an arena in which it was finally okay to be imperfect--in my training, we learned to work with our bodies instead of fighting them, to heal ourselves through acceptance. However, I was a perfectionist, and being a yoga teacher was a way to transcend (or deny) my own need for healing. Or perhaps, if I could heal someone else, then I would deserve to receive yoga's benefits as well.

The Teachings of Abraham (through Esther Hicks), ie the Law of Attraction, helped me believe that I deserved to have that which I wanted. According to this philosophy, whatever we focus on is what we draw to ourselves. The universe is infinitely abundant and in order to tap into this, we need only trust that we deserve to recieve. If we have inner resistance to what we think we want, we may actually manifest the opposite (which is why "bad things" happen to good people). I learned that I could form a desire/intention, clear my inner resistances, and then allow myself to recieve it.

The Law of Attraction does not put any limits on what we deserve to have, unlike yoga philosophy, which advocates renunciation of worldly pleasures and desires in order to clear obstacles to the Higher Self. According to the Law of Attraction, there is no shortage of physical and emotional energy to fulfill the ego's desires. The physical world is considered a playful expression of Spirit. At the same time, as we discover our worthiness, we may naturally grow tired of temporary pleasures and seek spiritual satisfaction or altruistic goals.

Last winter, I focused more fully on meditation and pranayama than ever before, all the while trying to eat less. This was a pathological search for perfection, to become free from my need for nurturing. At the same time, I believe it was a cleansing process. By taking away my physical power and focusing on spiritual power, I clarified that my intention is to be a vehicle for spirit. Now that I have physical strength back, I can act on that intention.

What brought me back to health? Attending classes at Sacred Ground Yoga showed me that physical strength was not contrary to spirituality. I was able to feel strong while maintaining delicious awareness. My teacher radiated unconditional love and would occasionally give hands-on energy work during a pose. It was amazing to experience a form of spirituality that was joyfully intertwined with the body and the heart.

Recently I've learned about Native American spirituality. What initially intrigued me was that, in contrast to vegetarianism and ahimsa (non-harming), the lives of animals are taken with grateful humility. Native American spirituality emphasizes that we are all connected to each other, the earth, animals, and spirits, and that relationship is the key to health and balance. This is in stark contrast with yoga's doctrine that "you are God", and the key to happiness is non-attachment and discernment. While I enjoy the transcendence of yogic meditation, I feel that sanctified relationship is a much-needed balance for me.

Recently, I have dived back in to relationships. I've been eating more meat, spending lots of time with people, exploring politics and music. I feel that my spirituality fuels these actions. Currently I am moving back and forth between enjoying relationship, becoming attached, and withdrawing. Underlying these is a basic uncertainty about whether I deserve to be loved. I think this is what we are all ultimately seeking, through spirituality or any of life's struggles. It seems a tragedy to me if we believe we must give up love in order to find spirituality. When I meditate and connect with my higher self, I am tempted to stay up there, hold onto that awareness, not share it with anyone. I did it this week, for the first time in months, and all it brought me was depression and stress.

Seeking the balance between the high of spiritual awareness, and the thrills, rewards, attachments and struggles of relationship. How can I love others, be useful, celebrate, be nurtured, and remember myself? Maybe in one of these spiritualities there is an answer.

burning the ego

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 19:53:24 GMT

June 16th:
"I can be friends with people who need spiritual support, and support myself with my spiritual practice. I can be friends with those people, and recieve support through "lower-chakra" needs (someone making me dinner), taking the love in whatever form it is offered. Or, I can seek out people who can support me spiritually, and celebrate the spiritual life with me.
"Since I started directing unconditional love toward myself, I have attracted more love from friends!"

Wow, this pretty much sums up the last 5 weeks of my life.

My tendency up until this summer was to separate myself from people based on a "spiritual" superiority. Eventually I became starved for love, and finally allowed myself to enjoy interacting with any and all kinds of people. My heart has become strong, flexible, and tactful. I have learned to placate, celebrate, and uplift. But when I view relationships as the sole source of happiness, I become attached to getting something in return. I view love as a resource to be managed.

I was trained to view the "boyfriend" as unconditionally supportive. With him, I would be allowed to be weak. And in fact, if I were strong, he might not like me. Relationships were based on mutual weakness; helping each other through our "issues". In other friendships, however, I tried to be the "strong" one. But lately, I feel like I've been only showing my weaknesses. That way, I know the person will accept me.

Bob has been challenging me to emphasize my strength instead of my weakness. This is an uncomfortable process.

Attending a meditation group last night, I felt the full impact of how my ego is always contriving and striving to get love. When I am present with Spirit, love is already there. I acknowledge my inherent worth. And with it, strength--the desire to give.

gratitude

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 21:47:23 GMT

Things are beginning to sink in... how often do we miss the full weight of our life's blessings?

Yesterday Emily and I picked blueberries at her grandma's house, then went swimming at Brady Lake. How much summer fun can we tolerate? I was very appreciative of her insights into relationships, the way she and her grandma spin stories together, the bounty of nature, and the gregarious fellow who talked our ears off at the lake.

Advanced Multicultural class last night... we reached depths of self-disclosure that I never anticipated that first night of class, when I nearly dropped out. I told my classmates that the class has helped move me from my comfortable, well-intentioned ignorance into confronting what I don't know, what I haven't done about racism and oppression. One of my female classmates revealed that she feels like her body gets in the way of communication, which is why she prefers blogging. The statement struck me like a stone, because that feeling--"the body takes away my energy"--was at play during my anorexia. I was very concerned, but said nothing. We had dinner together after class and talked more about this. Turns out she was anorexic back in the 5th grade, and continues to struggle with her body image. I told her that for me, it was deeper than body image--I felt like I had to control my body because it was fundamentally wrong. The mind, the spirit were superior. Now, much more I allow my body to exist as it is, I don't judge it or worry about others judging it... I feel like I live in my body and that my learning, creating, feeling is not complete without physical energy. I am so appreciative of my physical energy. I recommended that she try yoga, because it is a way to experience the body nonjudgmentally.

I've been feeling that exhileration of intentionality lately. That is, intending to recieve miracles, and recieving them. Bob has inspired me to think about power, but also about the balance between autonomy and sharing. I don't think that having personal power shoudl necessitate giving up togetherness, sharing, interdependence. But I seem to know a lot of people who can't be powerful when they're with others--myself included. We love connection, we put it before ourselves. Could there be both? I am asking this, intending to recieve the answer.

My heart wants to love. But there is a voice above the heart (the 5th chakra) that longs for independence, detachment, to have its own choices and desires. Bob says, "when I meditate, I feel my heart." Hmm... I meditated on this question: What does it feel like to love others, and also be true to oneself? For a moment, it felt like wings.

It also feels like having ideas, and enjoying them, which is a good thing about grad school.

what am I supposed to be doing with my life?

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 01:16:08 GMT

Things have just started feeling calm, so I guess it's time for another existential crisis. :)
In the past week or so, I've discovered that work is not the only source of meaning in life. Opening up to relationships, I have found so much meaning there. Tending to relationships is like working the soil: keep returning, digging deeper, and things grow from them. Something in me snapped into realizing, "Hey, my friends aren't perfect, and neither am I."

I've recently converted to the belief that the source of wealth in life is not money, but contentment. So I'm trying to collect as much contentment as I can, while in the back of my mind wondering if I'll be able to pay rent on my part-time minimum-wage paycheck. Sometimes I feel guilty for not working harder. But is it wrong to not work hard? There are plenty of people in the world who don't work hard... some of them wallow in leisure, and some of them delight in it and make it creative, spontaneous. I guess I'm of the second type... and have been enjoying letting time be flexible, sharing it with others.

I asked my mom to take me out to dinner last night. I got free food, and we both got companionship. My close relationship with my parents contradicts all my training to be self-sufficient and individualistic. But in many cultures, it is normal for families to remain close and interdependent. And although I'm not financially independent, I try to contribute to my parents' lives with optimism and good company.

Gaining meaning from relationships also contradicts the mandate to be individualistic and "take care of myself" financially. I guess that was pounded into my head so hard that I am now going the complete opposite way... I'm delighting in letting my heart lead me, being nourished by community, and maybe those connections will also lead to financial wealth, by making a contribution.

This is totally a third-chakra issue: Do I have any gifts that are useful to the world? I think so, but how do I know when to work and when to play? Can I enjoy playing and being nourished, AND enjoy contributing something? Can I be productive/useful AND spontaneous/creative?

I just don't know.

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 21:43:55 GMT

The world is a kind place. I am beginning to feel the blessings of what I already have sinking in... last night we had a special guest in Multicultural Counseling. We gathered at my professor's house for an informal cookout and heard him speak passionately about relating to people with a "willingness to be open in the body, heart, mind and spirit." That is the key to relating to people across cultures... and the more we can be open as individuals, the more likely this will spread to the political level.

Haven't felt so drawn to go to Sacred Ground Yoga, even though my teacher is such a clear loving person. I guess I am reluctant to become attached to one teacher. I went to the Kent Yoga Center today... keeping energy close to home. In yoga today I noticed feeling remarkably strong and balanced. Even though (or because?) I get hungry every two hours, my body feels healthy.

As I came to work in the office at the gym today, I realized that I'm not so attached to the idea of being a "yoga teacher/bodyworker" anymore. Sure, I could make more money that way. But lately I am finding contentment in doing what is presented to me: scheduling appointments for people, learning and going to classes, and navigating the social web. The last one most of all--people are so fascinating. I think counseling is the right field for me.

I feel like life will draw from me what it needs to. I don't want to be a yoga teacher because I "should" be... That said, there are some aspects I could consciously choose to draw out, such as the philosophy of self-acceptance and the yamas and niyamas.

love (it's not what you think)

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 16:34:49 GMT

Hesitant as I am to post the details of my personal life, I will share some of my meta-thinking about relationships.

In "Be Here Now", Mason Jennings sings,
"And let good things happen,
and let the future come
to each moment,
like a rising sun.
You are the love of my life."

Have I met the love of my life? I thought so... now, I have no idea. I think we are both very free people, which makes it easy to imagine falling in love. But that doesn't mean we will.

Through this experience (and lots of processing), I'm starting to view love as my choice. That is to say, I don't have to hand my heart over to the first person who appreciates it.

Wait, isn't love the whole purpose of life? I think so... but that doesn't mean that I have to give up my power or autonomy for it. I'm starting to appreciate the love I have to give, seeing that I have the right to choose when to give it and when not to, when to recieve from solitude, and when to recieve from others.

The magic of this is that suddenly, I'm not so picky about who I hang out with and when. When one is secure in oneself, it's easier to reach out. Do I have needs? Sure, but at this point, I can say that most of what makes me unhappy is just choosing not to have fun. Most of my emotional scars that aren't completely healed can be soothed with a balm of shared joy. With this new relationship, a lot of the old scars have come back... and most of them are just telling me, "Relax, stop worrying, don't take yourself so seriously." Take each moment for what it is, accept yourself..."Let good things come."

I thought I glimpsed depth in this relationship, but it will have to come in each moment, one piece at a time, in the milieu of all the other love everywhere.
I feel SO much more at peace.

4th of July weekend

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 16:04:15 GMT

This was probably one of the best Kent Fest experiences I've had since the days of sand art and face painting. I:

Had a Ray's hamburger; heard two Led Zeppelin cover bands; signed a petition saying we would pray for America, and was prayed over by a Christian woman; signed a petition for Darfur; danced to a ska band; got sweaty and sunburned; impulsively bought a dress from a Native American man who explained that Cocopeli was the first god to play the flute; and ate a Lion's Club bratwurst. It was good to hang out with friends too.

I like to every once in a while immerse in sensory experience, breaking out of my intellectual/spiritual mode of being. I just want to do this in a way that is not hedonistic, that remembers the importance of heart-connection, ethics, etc. Like buying fair-trade clothing, or organic meat. I do enjoy straying from the rules sometimes, it's relief from perfectionism... but I'm feeling more desire to live in right relationship with the natural and social world. Also, the more I get entwined with people--for instance, having Bob and Candace stay over sometimes--the more I like to meditate and respect myself. I'm beginning to enjoy being in community, but it demands a tenuous balance between self and other (boundaries). This is a good thing. It makes me feel strong.

body builder

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 01:14:26 GMT

This might give you an idea of how much weight I had lost: Today, I ate 6 eggs, 4 or 5 ounces of beef, and a mango "Muscle Builder" protein shake at the gym where I work. Oh, and some carbs and veggies and cheese. Every day i seem to eat more. And I still worry about it, gosh darnit! As if there were nothing better to worry about, or enjoy.

I have started a wonderful relationship with a robust, big-hearted Buddhist. As a full-time nurse's aide, he is an example of the strength of the body and heart... and he inspires me to be strong. There is so much love in my heart, and I am tempted to give it away without reservation. It was easy to imagine doing this... but the love in my heart is trans-personal, and in the personal world, there are always bumps in the road, dark spots in the past that color the present. So far we are navigating around these with mutual sincerity and (I dare say) cleverness. And light. There is amazing abundance in the stillness we find in meditation... wellsprings of love and patience.

One day at a time, navigating what for me is always a contrast between ideals and changing reality.

On a lighter note, my friend just told me she is going to Cedar Point (amusement park) with her aunt, uncle and... cat.
What the hell would a cat do at an amusement park? I don't know, but it sure sounds amusing.

quote of the day

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 02:03:59 GMT

"To be a Medicine person, you have to experience everything, live life to the fullest. If you don't experience the human side of everything, how can you help teach or heal? To be a good Medicine person, you've got to be humble. You've got to be lower than a worm and higher than an eagle." Archie Fire Lame Deer, Lakota Medicine man

Sometimes I get caught up in my spiritual practice, and I judge teaching yoga and doing reiki as "better" than my part-time job as a receptionist, or other daily activities. I even judge people, saying to myself that some would be better friends because they relate to my intellectual/spiritual side. This leads me to shelter myself., to hold back my energy from the world, so that I can remain "perfect".

What's the point of spirituality if not to nourish the day-to-day? What if every day and the entire world were sacred--even profanity, imperfection, and struggle? I fantasized about being a fulltime bodyworker/yoga teacher, and I find myself pulled in many other directions this summer. My spiritual practice isn't my whole life--it supports my life. And it seems that the struggle of mundanity, in turn, inspires me to be strong.

Who would've known? :)

I'm not holding back anymore

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 19:13:10 GMT

It's the second day of my period, and unlike the periods I used to have before my spell of amenorrhea/anorexia, I feel great... energetic and creative. I've been eating three or four eggs a day, plus some fish... which seems like a monstrous proportion compared to my previous vegetarian standards, but I am absolutely thriving physically and mentally. I've also been meditating daily, which helps me stay optimistic.

When I don't eat enough protein, I feel too light, I feel weak and nervous... I wonder if this was responsible for my entire personality as a vegetarian: fragile, uncertain, and hermetic. I held back my energy from the world , believing that the world was too crude for me. At the extreme, when I lost the weight, I had little stamina for anything but writing, cooking and meditation at home. Now that I am eating more, I can tolerate and enjoy being in the world much more. Part of the change was realizing that my personal power (the third chakra, digestion) was good enough to contribute to the world; that spirituality is not meant to be hidden and cloistered, but integrated into the world in so many ways. That I was not so "unusual", nor was I "special", nor was it inconceivable that the world would love me back.

Sometimes I worry that I'm eating too much. I get very lonely in this house by myself, and feel that I'm of no use to the world. Food can be a substitute for love, and I used to loathe the idea of that--hence, I'd stop eating. Now, I let myself eat through the loneliness, accepting food an offering of God's love. My dad, a hearty eater, says to me, "You gotta eat." How deceptively simple it is--I am comforted by these grounded people who simply eat without thinking too much about it. I am learning to eat so that I'm strong enough to enjoy the rest of life.

And there is so much to enjoy.

vegetarianism, yoga, and Native American spirituality

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 18:53:22 GMT

I started researching Native American spirituality for a multiculturalism class, and I am finding it a refreshing compliment to yoga philosophy. Both emphasize a reverence for life, and connectedness. The primary connection in yoga is with the True Self, while for Native Americans, it is connection to nature. Yoga's approach is systematic, and advocates vegetarianism and self-regulation. In Native American spirituality, connectedness precedes everything; the earth is our mother, and we have a right to eat animals as long as we establish a relationship with them.

Sharon mentioned how the book, "A Language Older than Words". In the book, it talks about how everything on the earth has a voice, except humans have learned to tune out voices of animals and plants and hear only our own species. If we could hear the voice of every animal and plant, how much more profound the act of eating would become. Without some spiritual framework, it might be unbearable.

When we become more sensitive to the energy of the food we are consuming, this awareness can go in two directions. We can have a joyfully heightened experience of eating, or we can believe that we don't deserve to consume life energy. These directions are basically fear and love.

For me, eating healthy was based on a drive to make as little impact as possible. I wonder for how many people eating healthy is of this fearful type, as they restrict themselves from eating meat, dairy products, bread, and other things deemed unhealthy or "wasteful". Certainly there are situations where lightening up one's diet might be very appropriate, like after years of heavy eating. Our culture does tend to consume beef, milk and bread in excess, to the extent that they become poison to the body. But when does the body's wisdom stop and the mind begin to attach judgments to one's diet? When the mind begins to say, "Eating meat is always wrong",then vegetarianism is performed only to please the ego, by adhering to its rules of "right" and "wrong".

Even ayurveda acknowledges that meat can be useful for people in depleted conditions. Beyond mere usefulness, it is equally important to make dietary choices based on love--of oneself, of animals and the earth--rather than fear. And as the primary purpose of food is to nourish oneself, self-love should be the primary criteria for what we choose to eat. When we eat, it is an act of honoring the Self. It is an opportunity to celebrate our own magnificence and feed our personal power.

quote of the day

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 15:04:09 GMT

"To share in the joy of revelation, we need to transcend the daily saga of trial and error, and see the perfection in each moment. We must act as if the entire universe depends on our actions, all the while laughing at such a thought."
Sharon Gannon and David Life, The Art of Yoga

attachment

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 12:59:49 GMT

The past 6 weeks I've been eating ravenously, and feel I'm at a comfortable weight again. For the most part I have gotten over my issues with deserving physical abundance.
Now, on to emotional abundance...
because one can only enjoy food so much if there's no one to share it with...
why fill the needs of the lower chakras if we are not rising to the heart, to love, creativity and expression?

Many of my endeavors are designed to get love, and I end up having a lot of friendships where I feel useful but get little back. The question arose: do I deserve to have relationships AND to be true to myself?

Here's what it looked like in my head: making friends with people who are spiritual teachers/healers... because that's how I am coming to see myself.

But there are many ways to go about it. I can be friends with people who need spiritual support, and support myself with my spiritual practice. I can be friends with those people, and recieve support through "lower-chakra" needs (someone making me dinner, or simple expressions of loyalty), taking the love in whatever form it is offered. Or, I can seek out people who can support me spiritually, and celebrate the spiritual life with me.

I started where I was at, because (as I've painstakingly learned over many trials) that's the only place to start. Since I started directing unconditional love toward myself, I have attracted more love from friends!

I can get caught up in this love, attached, and I have to remember to return to spiritual love to balance it. That is the source.

Mon, 05 May 2008 20:07:04 GMT

I'm glad I'm learning to take time for fun on the weekends...

Got to see a really nice Beltane Ceremony at church. A woman dressed up as "The Goddess" and a guy as "The God" (sweet goddess and god, to be exact) and they read an incantation and he put a symbolic "dagger" into her symbolic "cup". ! I found it jarringly explicit, but refreshing at the same time to view sex as sacred.

Went to an Advance Posture workshop at Sacred Ground. Rudra talked about kundalini energy again and how it is actually the same as sexual energy; sexual energy IS divine energy. My habit in life has been to favor spiritual energy, and repress sexual energy. After class I told my teacher how I'd had reproductive problems because of this. He validated my new suspicion that we are not repressing sexual energy, but cultivating it and then using it in maximally creative ways. By "transforming" this energy into love and wisdom, I don't want to deny myself the experience of pleasure. For me,t his means I can eat anything... a big change from how restrictive my diet was for years. There is a lot of yummy food out there!

Two finals tonight... I busted my ass for Psychopathology. I'm not really sure why, part of it is my ego wanting to get an "A". I guess if I can do so, why not? There are so many directions to go in life. This summer I'll be volunteering as a Crime Victim Advocate for a local agency... working with sexual assault victims calls to me, for some reason.

My birthday is Tuesday--oh, that's tomorrow! Good lord...
Dad's taking me to dinner at a Chinese buffet. Goddamn, I need to relax.

happenings

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 20:17:43 GMT

I was waiting for weeks to find out if I could move into the former "Yoga House", a beautiful 3-bedroom place. Two weeks ago my yoga teacher (and landlord) said the folks he was waiting on had bailed... I move in on Friday.
This guy is the most selfless, conscientious person and awesome landlord.
I found a roommate on the internet, a Chinese grad student who is doing medical imaging at GE this summer. From all appearances she seems pretty cool, claims herself to be courteous. She does want to get cable... we might have to face off about that...
There remains an extra bedroom, and I expressed an interest in using it for bodywork. I'm thinking reiki and energy work is my true passion, but I'd do massage on a friend in need too. I also want to do private yoga lessons and music lessons (since there's a piano in the rec room!). The whole arrangement is too good to be true, so I told Mike I'd pay him 40% of whatever I make. He is remarkably non-mercenary, and I want this to be fair for him.
I'm only paying 300 a month, and the house has all the amenities, including a washer/dryer and deck.

Went to a party this weekend with the Taylors; it was good to see everyone. I saw Margot, my yoga philosophy teacher and told her I was moving into Mike's house. She mentioned something about how student rentals "really reduce the market value in the neighborhood." She kept emphasizing that it's not good for the neighborhood to have rentals OR to do yoga classes... "but I suppose you guys aren't typical students." This comment kind of brought me down... I've been high as a kite about how things have worked out, and I personally think I will be good for the neighborhood by living peacefully! It's interesting how even as a spiritual teacher, she can be almost TOO practical. Maybe she's trying to convince herself.

Yesterday I went to pick up my pill at CVS and they didn't have it ready. The old gruff pharmacist went looking, and the young cute one smiled and said, "It'll just be a minute. If you want to sit down there's a massage chair there." I'd been feeling rushed, but that calmed me right down! What a nice pharmacist.

Talked to Pam from Idaho last night. She quit her job in February and has been pursuing writing. She asked me to send her a yoga article I had written in order to put it on a new holistic health website she's creating. I hesitated because I had planned to submit it to yoga magazines and didn't know if it would conflict. Sometimes I just don't know how to go with the flow! After a few minutes, she convinced me that this would be a good form of exposure for my writing and could lead to other things. After all, it's not like that will be the only thing I ever write.

Gotta run off to class... only one more week of classes! Then a week off to relax, play, and maybe start recording a CD at my dad's house.
Not that I'm manic, or anything. :)

a few notes of gratefulness

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 02:41:24 GMT

I've been meaning all week to write about my weekend... :)
Saturday I went to an Earth Day festival downtown. It was 75 and sunny, all the people were walking around in t-shirts eating french fries (and vegan chili from Kent Natural Foods, who were having an open house). I played at KNFC for a little while, then walked down to see a sitar/tabla fusion band. There also was a dance ensemble which blew my mind, and I got to hang out on the grass with my friends from class who were there.
Sunday evening, after doing some not-so-glamorous studying, I treated myself by attending a Satsang at the yoga study I've been attending 30 minutes from here. My yoga teacher (who I've come to think of as a guru) led some chanting and a mini-lecture on Contentment, followed by a nice discussion. We had some great vegetarian food (I broke my no-caffeine habit and had chocolate and chai) and I met some nice people. I drove home high.

Life has been the best of both worlds lately: my spirit has been highly creative, and my belly has also been demanding lots of any kind of food. After 2 years of eating whole grains almost exclusively, lots of vegetables and little junk food, it's nice to be able to relax and enjoy some "junk" food again. At the Satsang R. mentioned bramacharya, the yogic principle of controlling sexual energy. I wonder if this means restricting pleasure, moving it into spiritual realms. I have trained myself to think, "you can't spend money or eat foods just for PLEASURE... that's wasteful; you're looking to external things for happiness." Somehow or other, I've come to know that the world is abundant, and there's nothing wasteful about using things for pleasure... pleasure goes hand-in-hand with joy.

For me, it does take energy to feel pleasure... to digest more than one needs to eat, to buy more than one needs to have. When we feel pleasure or desire, we also feel pain... To feel pleasure is a conscious choice to be more alive.

I got a summer job... I'll be a receptionist at the Rec Center, wehre I also teach yoga.
I really want to teach music lessons again and I reached out to a couple musician/teacher friends this week. It's good to work toward better things, but it's also good to know how to slow down and appreciate what I'm already doing: I enjoy tutoring, teaching yoga, and playing my own music. Looking forward to my gig on Saturday night at the Arabica Cafe.

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 02:12:27 GMT

The weather was so nice today, it was like everything was blessed. My dad called me around lunchtime, coincidentally as he's been on my mind this week. We hadn't talked for a month. I called him back and arranged to cme over. When I got there he was all teary, basically apologizing for the insulting things he said and saying how concerned he had been about my weight loss. I told him I had "diagnosed" myself as anorexic and he said he knew. We had dinner and watched a James Taylor concert.

I feel like my boundaries are much better lately, knowing I don't have to be PERFECT, don't have to like everything or be everything for people. I also feel like, for the first time in a whlie, there is room for pleasure in my life.

Case in point: it's okay to stuff myself with pecan pie just cuz it feels good, or spend $140 on shoes cuz I like em. There is so much money, so much beauty, so much forgiveness for imperfection.

At the library today this really cute boy struck up a conversation. He was an Audio-Visual employee (graphic design major, indie rock, barely old enough to drink...) Of course not a real interest, but interesting nonetheless.

I'm feeling pulled more to "mundane" life and lately ... it just seems full and beautiful, albeit imperfect, whereas spirituality is the realm of perfection and control.

Receiving, finally

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 00:47:59 GMT

I can be such a perfectionist.

As my mind and spiritual awareness developed, I thought "I can do everything, be everything to everyone! i am limitless!"

We have the capacity to be limitless... but then, we become less human.

I was creating, giving, going faster and faster... then I got sick. (again :) Now, I'm forced to honor my body and what feels good to it. Today in class I almost started crying because I felt so exhausted. Sickness is my body's way of withdrawing my energy from the world... it's like a little rebellion against stress and burnout. I was crying because try as I might, <i>I could not be perfect</i>.

I give so much to the world, and allow myself so little support.

Considering the possibility that as a "spiritual teacher" I don't have to do it all for everybody all the time. That there are other teachers out there, that each person has their own inner teacher..

Considering the possibility of taking pleasure in life, not just physically but on all levels... CHOOSING to slow down and be receptive...

Where are these teachers? How do I slow down?
It takes time to absorb these lessons into daily life... for now, I'm resting!

chilling out... again

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 18:58:54 GMT

I was operating from the belief that only spirituality and creativity (upper chakras) were unlimited.

Hence, physical and emotional realms were scary to deal with.

What if there is unlimited love AND physical abundance?

The only way I have been letting love in, really, is through food. And so I've been trying to eat a diet that will keep me perfectly balanced, because if I wasn't perfect, who would forgive me? Of COURSE I would have high expectations for food; I would have to be perfect and the food would have to be perfect in order to feel I deserved nourishment, in order to imagine the food would be nourishing.

When I feel loved by others, I can eat more.
Consciously creating, I am faced with a very unfamiliar belief: the physical world is infinitely abundant. What I create physically can't be perfect, but it's GOOD ENOUGH. Likewise for what I create with my heart. There are larger forces out there. The universe doesn't depend on my creative/emotional gifts.

UV index is ....? only my skin will tell

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 18:48:23 GMT

It's in the high 60's today... a blessing for so early in the year.
I took advantage of my 3-hour break between work and class and, instead of trudging to the computer lab to study and check email, sat in the sun for an hour. I think I may be slightly burned! Ah well...
a little intentional pleasure does wonders for the soul... and a slightly flu-ridden body.

Thinking about healthy food

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 20:01:31 GMT

According to ayurveda, one cause of disease is misuse of the intellect. The example I was given is, "I know this food isn't good for me, but I'll eat it because it tastes good."

Since I started eating healthier 5 years ago, unhealthy food does have the ability to make me sick. This past winter I struggled with how restrictive my diet had become; living with my family, I felt out of sync with how they ate.

What it comes down to is I want to eat food that pleases my mind AND my body. I think a lot about what I eat, perhaps too much. Lately I've started thinking less; popping food in my mouth without thinking about it. The real reason for that is that I don't feel I've been enjoying food. Maybe my intellectualizaing got in the way.

Eating healthy food, lately, has felt like drudgery. Until I got sick this morning and couldn't eat anything but bananas and toast. Now, I NEED to think about food... and I think I can still enjoy it. Thinking about eating healthy food doesn't mean that eating isn't pleasurable, like so many people say. The pleasure of food doesn't just have to do with your tastebuds. The fullest enjoyment of food comes from eating food that gives you maximum energy... long after the taste wears away, you feel GOOD on all levels.

Now the ayurvedic principle that eating food which you know, intellectually, is unhealthy, makes sense. We should eat not just to please our senses, but to please our mind, body, and spirit.

limitations of the spiritual human being

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 18:57:25 GMT

With my spiritual growth and the springtime, I've felt a huge boost of energy lately. I feel like with spiritual awareness, I can create so much more, accomplish more, and enjoy activities that were once drudgery. I am aware of my full potential to enjoy my life, to create, to heal myself, to teach and heal others. All of this is due to trusting the unfolding of spirit around me.

My question now is, "when do I stop?" "Is it okay for me to have limits and needs?". Perfectionism has always been part of me, so it's no surprise (although a disappointment) that would enter my spirituality as well. I take this increased energy and try to cling to it, to use it to control my world.

For example, this weekend I decided that I wanted to start teaching music again. It was very empowering since I had given it up several years ago and gone into dead-end jobs. Perfectionism ruined music for me. Now, I glimpse how I can enjoy it more fully than before. I believe that I can use the Law of Attraction to create a situation where I make a living teaching music and yoga (I already do the latter). So the last week, I've been playing violin and guitar and going over old theory notes with rapid enthusiasm. At the same time, my Chakra Yoga class series started, I teach two other yoga classes, am interested in doing massage therapy again, and am still juggling work for graduate school.

On Sunday I crashed, got sick... I think because I just don't know when to stop. When to let go and the universe take over, when to reach out for physical and emotional support (from food, sleep, calling friends on the phone)... when to come down from my "high" and be human.

Anybody have any insights?

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 17:15:12 GMT

The second chakra has to do with pleasure, creativity, and knowing how much is enough. It's located between the hips and related to the reproductive and lower digestive organs.
I had a lack of periods for 2.5 years. Recently I started taking estrogen/progesterone pills.
Maybe it's the estrogen, but last week I was just scarfing down dairy products, fat and carbs. Undoubtedly my body is ready to gain weight, and these kinds of foods are generally good for vata (my ayurvedic body type). I felt absolutely energized about life... Now, I know that when I had cycles before, it was around the end of the 2nd week that I would feel an inward pull. And I feel that now, and with it, my appetite has dropped.

This weekend I had dinner at a friend's house, ate largely including some chocolate cake and wine. It was liberating to indulge in these pleasures after a long time where such things would make me sick. Yesterday I woke up feeling sluggish, and kept trying to eat a lot which just made it worse. I talked to my friend Hope, who is doing a week-long raw food fast and was raving about how much more energy she had. It dawned on me that even though I am trying to gain weight, there IS a limit to how much heavy food my body needs. WIth the spring finally warming things up, I started to consider lightening my diet.

Then Candace and I went for a long hike, and that just lifted my energy out of the dumps. I realized that there are other ways to enjoy the body and honor the physical world besides eating rich, sweet foods and shopping for clothes. For several years I have avoided these "conventional" types of pleasure because to me, they did not truly honor the sacredness of the body. I preferred yoga, healthy food, hiking... ways of experiencing and appreciating the body directly. Lately I've been seriously questioning if these things separate me from the rest of the human race. It was good to share an exhilerating hike,--also Candace talks a lot about wanting to eat healthier. It reminded me that using my body in healthy ways doesn't have to be an imperative; it can be freely chosen and fun.