Dear livejournal friends,
if you're looking for my blog, I have moved to MySpace. You do not need to be a member  to read it. 

www.myspace.com/cityofgems.

Namaste,
Andrea

I have studied yoga since 2003, and became a yoga instructor in 2005. Yoga provided an arena in which it was finally okay to be imperfect--in my training, we learned to work with our bodies instead of fighting them, to heal ourselves through acceptance. However, I was a perfectionist, and being a yoga teacher was a way to transcend (or deny) my own need for healing. Or perhaps, if I could heal someone else, then I would deserve to receive yoga's benefits as well.

The Teachings of Abraham (through Esther Hicks), ie the Law of Attraction, helped me believe that I deserved to have that which I wanted. According to this philosophy, whatever we focus on is what we draw to ourselves. The universe is infinitely abundant and in order to tap into this, we need only trust that we deserve to recieve. If we have inner resistance to what we think we want, we may actually manifest the opposite (which is why "bad things" happen to good people). I learned that I could form a desire/intention, clear my inner resistances, and then allow myself to recieve it.

The Law of Attraction does not put any limits on what we deserve to have, unlike yoga philosophy, which advocates renunciation of worldly pleasures and desires in order to clear obstacles to the Higher Self. According to the Law of Attraction, there is no shortage of physical and emotional energy to fulfill the ego's desires. The physical world is considered a playful expression of Spirit. At the same time, as we discover our worthiness, we may naturally grow tired of temporary pleasures and seek spiritual satisfaction or altruistic goals.

Last winter, I focused more fully on meditation and pranayama than ever before, all the while trying to eat less. This was a pathological search for perfection, to become free from my need for nurturing. At the same time, I believe it was a cleansing process. By taking away my physical power and focusing on spiritual power, I clarified that my intention is to be a vehicle for spirit. Now that I have physical strength back, I can act on that intention.

What brought me back to health? Attending classes at Sacred Ground Yoga showed me that physical strength was not contrary to spirituality. I was able to feel strong while maintaining delicious awareness. My teacher radiated unconditional love and would occasionally give hands-on energy work during a pose. It was amazing to experience a form of spirituality that was joyfully intertwined with the body and the heart. 

Recently I've learned about Native American spirituality. What initially intrigued me was that, in contrast to vegetarianism and ahimsa (non-harming), the lives of animals are taken with grateful humility. Native American spirituality emphasizes that we are all connected to each other, the earth, animals, and spirits, and that relationship is the key to health and balance. This is in stark contrast with yoga's doctrine that "you are God", and the key to happiness is non-attachment and discernment. While I enjoy the transcendence of yogic meditation, I feel that sanctified relationship is a much-needed balance for me.

Recently, I have dived back in to relationships. I've been eating more meat, spending lots of time with people, exploring politics and music. I feel that my spirituality fuels these actions. Currently I am moving back and forth between enjoying relationship, becoming attached, and withdrawing. Underlying these is a basic uncertainty about whether I deserve to be loved. I think this is what we are all ultimately seeking, through spirituality or any of life's struggles. It seems a tragedy to me if we believe we must give up love in order to find spirituality. When I meditate and connect with my higher self, I am tempted to stay up there, hold onto that awareness, not share it with anyone. I did it this week, for the first time in months, and all it brought me was depression and stress.

Seeking the balance between the high of spiritual awareness, and the thrills, rewards, attachments and struggles of relationship. How can I love others, be useful, celebrate, be nurtured, and remember myself? Maybe in one of these spiritualities there is an answer. 

June 16th:
 "I can be friends with people who need spiritual support, and support myself with my spiritual practice. I can be friends with those people, and recieve support through "lower-chakra" needs (someone making me dinner), taking the love in whatever form it is offered. Or, I can seek out people who can support me spiritually, and celebrate the spiritual life with me. 
"Since I started directing unconditional love toward myself, I have attracted more love from friends!" 

Wow, this pretty much sums up the last 5 weeks of my life.

My tendency up until this summer was to separate myself from people based on a "spiritual" superiority. Eventually I became starved for love, and finally allowed myself to enjoy interacting with any and all kinds of people. My heart has become strong, flexible, and tactful. I have learned to placate, celebrate, and uplift. But when I view relationships as the sole source of happiness, I become attached to getting something in return. I view love as a resource to be managed.

I was trained to view the "boyfriend" as unconditionally supportive. With him, I would be allowed to be weak. And in fact, if I were strong, he might not like me. Relationships were based on mutual weakness; helping each other through our "issues". In other friendships, however, I tried to be the "strong" one. But lately, I feel like I've been only showing my weaknesses. That way, I know the person will accept me.

Bob has been challenging me to emphasize my strength instead of my weakness. This is an uncomfortable process.

Attending a meditation group last night, I felt the full impact of how my ego is always contriving and striving to get love. When I am present with Spirit, love is already there. I acknowledge my inherent worth. And with it, strength--the desire to give.

Things are beginning to sink in... how often do we miss the full weight of our life's blessings?

Yesterday Emily and I picked blueberries at her grandma's house, then went swimming at Brady Lake. How much summer fun can we tolerate? I was very appreciative of her insights into relationships, the way she and her grandma spin stories together, the bounty of nature, and the gregarious fellow who talked our ears off at the lake. 

Advanced Multicultural class last night... we reached depths of self-disclosure that I never anticipated that first night of class, when I nearly dropped out. I told my classmates that the class has helped move me from my comfortable, well-intentioned ignorance into confronting what I don't know, what I haven't done about racism and oppression. One of my female classmates revealed that she feels like her body gets in the way of communication, which is why she prefers blogging. The statement struck me like a stone, because that feeling--"the body takes away my energy"--was at play during my anorexia. I was very concerned, but said nothing. We had dinner together after class and talked more about this. Turns out she was anorexic back in the 5th grade, and continues to struggle with her body image. I told her that for me, it was deeper than body image--I felt like I had to control my body because it was fundamentally wrong. The mind, the spirit were superior.  Now, much more I allow my body to exist as it is, I don't judge it or worry about others judging it... I feel like I live in my body and that my learning, creating, feeling is not complete without physical energy. I am so appreciative of my physical energy. I recommended that she try yoga, because it is a way to experience the body nonjudgmentally. 

I've been feeling that exhileration of intentionality lately. That is, intending to recieve miracles, and recieving them. Bob has inspired me to think about power, but also about the balance between autonomy and sharing. I don't think that having personal power shoudl necessitate giving up togetherness, sharing, interdependence. But I seem to know a lot of people who can't be powerful when they're with others--myself included. We love connection, we put it before ourselves. Could there be both? I am asking this, intending to recieve the answer.

My heart wants to love. But there is a voice above the heart (the 5th chakra) that longs for independence, detachment, to have its own choices and desires. Bob says, "when I meditate, I feel my heart." Hmm... I meditated on this question: What does it feel like to love others, and also be true to oneself?  For a moment, it felt like wings.

It also feels like having ideas, and enjoying them, which is a good thing about grad school.

The world is a kind place. I am beginning to feel the blessings of what I already have sinking in... last night we had a special guest in Multicultural Counseling. We gathered at my professor's house for an informal cookout and heard him speak passionately about relating to people with a "willingness to be open in the body, heart, mind and spirit." That is the key to relating to people across cultures... and the more we can be open as individuals, the more likely this will spread to the political level.

Haven't felt so drawn to go to Sacred Ground Yoga, even though my teacher is such a clear loving person. I guess I am reluctant to become attached to one teacher. I went to the Kent Yoga Center today... keeping energy close to home.  In yoga today I noticed feeling remarkably strong and balanced. Even though (or because?) I get hungry every two hours, my body feels healthy.

As I came to work in the office at the gym today, I realized that I'm not so attached to the idea of being a "yoga teacher/bodyworker" anymore. Sure, I could make more money that way. But lately I am finding contentment in doing what is presented to me: scheduling appointments for people, learning and going to classes, and navigating the social web. The last one most of all--people are so fascinating. I think counseling is the right field for me.

I feel like life will draw from me what it needs to. I don't want to be a yoga teacher because I "should" be...  That said, there are some aspects I could consciously choose to draw out, such as the philosophy of self-acceptance and the yamas and niyamas.

This was probably one of the best Kent Fest experiences I've had since the days of sand art and face painting. I:

Had a Ray's hamburger; heard two Led Zeppelin cover bands; signed a petition saying we would pray for America, and was prayed over by a Christian woman; signed a petition for Darfur; danced to a ska band; got sweaty and sunburned; impulsively bought a dress from a Native American man who explained that Cocopeli was the first god to play the flute; and ate a Lion's Club bratwurst.  It was good to hang out with friends too.

I like to every once in a while immerse in sensory experience, breaking out of my intellectual/spiritual mode of being. I just want to do this in a way that is not hedonistic, that remembers the importance of heart-connection, ethics, etc. Like buying fair-trade clothing, or organic meat. I do enjoy straying from the rules sometimes, it's relief from perfectionism... but I'm feeling more desire to live in right relationship with the natural and social world. Also, the more I get entwined with people--for instance, having Bob and Candace stay over sometimes--the more I like to meditate and respect myself. I'm beginning to enjoy being in community, but it demands a tenuous balance between self and other (boundaries). This is a good thing. It makes me feel strong.

"To be a Medicine person, you have to experience everything, live life to the fullest. If you don't experience the human side of everything, how can you help teach or heal? To be a good Medicine person, you've got to be humble. You've got to be lower than a worm and higher than an eagle."  Archie Fire Lame Deer, Lakota Medicine man

I was waiting for weeks to find out if I could move into the former "Yoga House", a beautiful 3-bedroom place. Two weeks ago my yoga teacher (and landlord) said the folks he was waiting on had bailed... I move in on Friday.
This guy is the most selfless, conscientious person and awesome landlord. 
I found a roommate on the internet, a Chinese grad student who is doing medical imaging at GE this summer. From all appearances she seems pretty cool, claims herself to be courteous. She does want to get cable... we might have to face off about that...
There remains an extra bedroom, and I expressed an interest in using it for bodywork. I'm thinking reiki and energy work is my true passion, but I'd do massage on a friend in need too. I also want to do private yoga lessons and music lessons (since there's a piano in the rec room!). The whole arrangement is too good to be true, so I told Mike I'd pay him 40% of whatever I make. He is remarkably non-mercenary, and I want this to be fair for him.
I'm only paying 300 a month, and the house has all the amenities, including  a washer/dryer and deck. 

Went to a party this weekend with the Taylors; it was good to see everyone. I saw Margot, my yoga philosophy teacher and told her I was moving into Mike's house. She mentioned something about how student rentals "really reduce the market value in the neighborhood." She kept emphasizing that it's not good for the neighborhood to have rentals OR to do yoga classes... "but I suppose you guys aren't typical students." This comment kind of brought me down... I've been high as a kite about how things have worked out, and I personally think I will be good for the neighborhood by living peacefully! It's interesting how even as a spiritual teacher, she can be almost TOO practical. Maybe she's trying to convince herself.

Yesterday I went to pick up my pill at CVS and they didn't have it ready. The old gruff pharmacist went looking, and the young cute one smiled and said, "It'll just be a minute. If you want to sit down there's a massage chair there." I'd been feeling rushed, but that calmed me right down! What a nice pharmacist.

Talked to Pam from Idaho last night. She quit her job in February and has been pursuing writing. She asked me to send her a yoga article I had written in order to put it on a new holistic health website she's creating. I hesitated because I had planned to submit it to yoga magazines and didn't know if it would conflict. Sometimes I just don't know how to go with the flow! After a few minutes, she convinced me that this would be a good form of exposure for my writing and could lead to other things. After all, it's not like that will be the only thing I ever write.

Gotta run off to class... only one more week of classes! Then a week off to relax, play, and maybe start recording a CD at my dad's house.
Not that I'm manic, or anything. :)